In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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