If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
