You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
