I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
