this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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