Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
