I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
