Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
