Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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