Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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