It's like a parade of train wrecks.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
