drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
