I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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