My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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