I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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