i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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