how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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