We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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