You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
