connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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