I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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