I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
