I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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