Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
