Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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