i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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