How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize