I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??