I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
