I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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