I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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