My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I lost the right to judge tonight
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
false alarm, still single
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