i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
