i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
