I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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