I look better un-naked...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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