After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
