I am in a vortex of obligation.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
