I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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