How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
