There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
