if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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