My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
