Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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