I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
