She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
