this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
