I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
