it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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