I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
