I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
