either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
