I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
