You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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