i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
