I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
