Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
In America we eat man semen.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's official drugs can't kill me
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
