someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
nutella sex= disaster
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
