Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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