I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
