Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
