At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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